The Best Of Da Intranetz, Vol. I: The Tyranny Of Tradition

In our perpetual effort to become a hackish Murdoch-esque empire of disinformation we are stepping up our efforts in bringing you the best metal related internet material. Not only that but the internet can be a large chasm of empty language. Thus, when I find something that really peels my banana, I have to share. Tyranny of Tradition is a publication that speaks to my heart. Writer, editor and supreme warlord Keith Spillet creates pieces of relentless investigative journalism that have given fans such candid insights as the unprecedented interview with Satan about the state of heavy metal, an encounter with Dave Mustaine at an Orange Julius and newly leaked revelations about President Nixon’s plans to assassinate Black Sabbath. Here be a few choice highlights which should encourage you to further explore this awesome media outpost.

Now excuse my shameless copying and pasting. Believe me, this is the tip of the iceberg.

First an excerpt from the invaluable glimpse into the mind of Mustaine:

Tyranny:  What is the thing that you have written that you are most proud of?

Mustaine:  About 30 years ago, when I was Jane Austen, I wrote a book called Persuasion.  It’s your basic story of love lost and love found.  In many ways, it’s a metaphor for the sadness at the root of the human condition.  There is a passage in the book where Captain Wentworth takes a hammer and beats a squirrel to death.  When I wrote that, I understood truly what it means to be a woman.

Tyranny:  Uhm, okay….

Mustaine:  SHHHHHHHH!!!!  You see that.

Tyranny:  What?!?!?!

Mustaine:  Shhhhh…shut up!  Pretend we are not talking.  You don’t know me and my name is Marvin.

Tyranny:  Uhmmmm…..

(A horrifically awkward silence of about two minutes)

Mustaine:  Okay…it’s cool.

Tyranny:  What just happened?

Mustaine:  Did you ever see that movie “They Live”?

Tyranny:  Yeah.

(Mustaine stares at me nodding with a knowing smile)

Tyranny:  Where do you see your music progressing over the last 10 years?

Mustaine:  You know how bands always say their music is either going to get heavier or that they are going to begin to hold strangers down and pour mouthwash in their eyes until the demons in their soul are vanquished to the Land of The Mog or that they are sorry that they randomly kicked and beat that vagrant on the side of the road in Phoenix all those years ago or that time I started cutting pictures of men with mustaches out of fashion magazines and pasting them up on the front door of local daycare centers or that they should know better and that they should beg forgiveness from a gila monster that won’t get off my front porch…..

Tyranny:  (waiting for the thought to be completed) Uhmmmmm…….uh-huh.

Mustaine:  (snapping back from a brief moment of staring staring blankly into space)  Did I turn my iron off at home?  It’s important.  I don’t want there to be a fire.

Satan on all things heavy metal:

Satan:  There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know. Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears.  I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people.  To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions.  Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box.  To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated.  Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.

Tyranny:  Can you give me an example?

Satan:  Sure.  The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea.  That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.

On Nixon’s alleged plan to assassinate Black Sabbath:

According to the book, Nixon, who has also been rumored to have encouraged the assassination and overthrow of Salvador Allende in Chile, wanted to see a similar fate for Bill Ward, Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler.  Nixon was much less concerned about Ozzy, who he felt was a drag on the talents of the rest of the band.  However, Nixon was concerned that “Sabbath might go ahead and get someone like that fellow Dio from the band Elf.  Then, they’d all have to go or they’d be unstoppable.”

See? Tyranny of Tradition has now been added to the blogroll where it will forever remain long after other empires have fallen.